Rules, Micro Level Mapping and Microevents!

In order to better understand conflict, in their text on Interpersonal Conflict, Wilmot and Hocker suggest mapping out your conflicts. By mapping out your conflicts, you are able to clearly see the interpersonal dynamics that are occurring and are able to make more productive choices when it comes to dealing with the conflicts. Wilmot and Hocker state that the mapping of conflict occurs on the macro level as well as the micro level. For the purpose of this blog, I would like to focus and discuss the mapping of conflict on the micro level.

When mapping conflict on the micro level, there are two key components to keep in mind: mapping interaction rules, and micro-events. These two elements can assist in looking at the big picture of the conflict and also the smaller details of the conflict. Unsatisfactory conflict often operates in a set of rules that limit “genuine” change. This set of rules is used to describe the underlying communication of the interaction. These rules guide the behavior of the participants of the conflict. An example of a rule is as follows: “When in situation X, Y must/must not occur.” I can personally relate this rule to conflict that I have experienced in my life.

Occasionally, I find myself in conflict with my sister. My sister and I are best friends; we know each other like the backs of our hands. I know what makes her angry and how to calm her down and vice-versa. When my sister and I are in conflict, it is usually about decisions that we don’t want to make or about a decision one of us made that the other did not agree with. Oddly enough, we usually get into conflict when we are driving together on the highway. Being in this situation, neither of us has the option of removing ourselves from the conflict. We must work it out in the car. Through the use of Wilmot and Hocker’s methods of micro-mapping, I have mapped our conflict like the above example using situation X and Y. When my sister and I are driving together and I say something that she does not agree with, she gets angry. I have learned to never say to her, calm down. Saying these words lights a fire and enrages her more than the conflict itself. Therefore: When my sister is angry, I do not say the words, “calm down.”  This rule is a prescription for my sister’s behavior. If I do not say ‘calm down,’ my sister will be less angry. This rule was never written down anywhere, but from our interactions, I know that saying this to her will escalate the conflict into something more severe than it has to be.

Another method of micro-mapping is microevents. Microevents are defined as repetitive loops of observable interpersonal behavior with a redundant outcome. Wilmot and Hocker state that microevents are similar to rules but microevents are description rather than prescriptive. Microevents predict the where, when and how conflict will erupt. The following is an example of how I mapped a microevent that occurred at a Resident Assistant meeting.

Every time an RA:

(voiced their opinion about an issue)

(tried to make a point)

 (indicated that they had something to say)

during an RA meeting, another specific RA would

(finish the person speaking sentence)

(talk over the person)

( change the subject)

 so the issues, points and opinions were never heard or addressed.

The conflict can be summarized as follows: When an RA wants their voice to be heard, another RA distracts the focus and the voice of the RA is never heard.  Because this conflict has been understood, I can now use these methods to predict when this is going to happen. After realizing this, I have been assertive at meetings in saying things such as, “Let her finish; only one person speak at a time, and you can speak after she is done.” The micro-level mapping of this microevent has allowed me to better understand the communication patterns that occur at RA meetings and change the communication within this system.

Third-Party Intervention

In some conflicts, the situations are so difficult that we often turn to others for help. This need for third-party intervention is something that I see very often in my role as a Resident Advisor for Carlow University. Of the many types of intervention, in my position, I use one more often than others. This would be the method of mediating. Wilmot and Hocker, in their book on Interpersonal Communication, state that mediation helps the parties involved in conflict negotiate to reach agreement. They also say that, “mediation is the art of changing people’s positions with the explicit aim of acceptance of a package put together by both sides, with the mediator as a listened, suggestion-giver, the formulator of final agreements to which both sides have contributed.” My role as mediator is to facilitate the parties to the dispute to reach an agreement themselves. As an RA, when residents in the residence halls are engaged in conflict, often times regarding differences in opinions, roommate issues, or such, it is necessary to conduct mediation. I have been trained in mediation and have successfully mediated many residents. During the mediation, the residents will come into the office. I begin the mediation with explain why we are here. After the floor is set, the residents have the opportunity to state their cases or their sides of the stories. Sometimes, the residents get into heated arguments. It is my job to calm them down and map out the situation to reach an agreement on the issue. In other situations, the residents will refuse to talk or even look at each other. In these situations, it is my job to get the conversation flowing in order to reach an agreement between parties. As the residents are actively negotiating, I take a step back and make sure they are being respectful of one another. I have the ability to step in if they get out of line or offer my advice/opinion if they ask a question. However, limitations to mediation exist. In some cases, the residents are so uncomfortable with one another that they refuse to speak to the other. And In other cases, mediating simply just does not work. Also, if the residents are not committed to resolving the conflict, the mediation will not work. This is often the case with roommate issues: a resident moves in with another, doesn’t like the other roommates style of living, and rather than working out small conflicts themselves, they choose to ignore the issues until they escalate and can no longer tolerate living with each other. At this point, all they want is a new roommate and are not committed to working on the relationship at hand. Overall, the use of mediation in my position as a Resident Advisor has been successful in teaching me about negotiation and allowing the residents to negotiate conflicts on their own.

Let’s Negotiate to Negotiate

For many, negation means something very managerial and labor involved. However, negotiation simply means to settle by discussion or mutual agreement. According to Wilmot and Hocker in their 8^th Edition of Interpersonal Conflict, negotiation provides a process of problem solving when the topic, content, or substantive issues rise in importance.

Negotiations occur many times every day in both public and private sectors and people of all ages negotiate. I have had a few distinct experiences in negotiating and would like to analyze them briefly. For starters, this summer I lived with my two best friends in an apartment in Oakland. There were three of us and two rooms. We had to negotiate to decide who was going to get their own room. However, whoever got their own room, had to pay more rent. After listing the stances that each one of us took, we negotiate that Kait would get her own room and Maddy and I would share a room. We negotiated this agreement because Maddy and I did not mind sharing a room and it was a benefit that we would be paying less rent. We engaged in this conflict rather than avoiding it. If we were to avoid it, someone would have just taken their own room and more conflict would have risen. None of the parties involved dominated the situation. Kait used persuasion to assure us that she was okay with paying more. She stated that her mom was paying her share of the rent. Maddy and I were persuaded to allow her the bigger room because she was not paying for it herself. And by using the collaboration approach, we were all happy with the results. Another negotiate situation that I was involved in happened in New York City. On Canal Street, the shopping district of New York, the street vendors will always try to make a deal with you. On this particular occasion, I was buying perfume from a street vendor. (Totally legal, right?) Because I frequently buy perfume, I know when I am getting a good deal or not. For the purchase of three designer perfumes, the vendor offered me one price. I did not accept this price and offered a lower one. He said a price higher than mine, but lower than his first offer. I was still getting a deal on the perfume; however, I wanted to see how low he would go. After about fifteen minutes of negotiating with him, walking away once, another five minutes of negotiating, I was able to purchase the three fragrances for the price of one. Again, neither one of us dominated the situation nor avoided it. We both used persuasion to seal the deal on the purchase. We both maintained our identities-mine as the buyer and his as the seller, and the relationship of buyer and seller was also maintained.  And although we approached the situation in a win/lose way, I strongly feel that I negotiated well. The vendor felt that he won by selling three perfumes, and felt that I lost by paying above my asking price. However, I felt that I won because I purchased three perfumes for the price of one, and that he lost because he had no idea how good of a deal he was giving me. Understanding the styles and tactics of negotiation allow one to better negotiate in many situations.

In addition to this situational example of negotiation, please watch the short videos below to see more examples of negotiation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2gM3RgiGZA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Jdk3riKKwo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfK5wI1xqE8&feature=fvwp&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=898OUCyBulM

DR. BALMERT WATCH THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qsa66AqXTo

Power Currencies

Power Currencies are “how much your particular resources are valued by the other persons in a relationship context (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011). They are called power currencies because they are similar to money. There are four different types of power currencies that people can have over one another. They are called R.I.C.E.; Resource Control, Interpersonal Linkage, Communication Skills, and Expertise. Your power depends on these types of “currencies,” because power depends on having currencies that other people need. And in return, if other people possess currencies that you need, they have power over you (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011). For example, one power currency that I have is that of resource control (pg. 118.) Resource control comes with ones position in an organization or group. It can also be identified with controlling punishments or rewards. I am a Resident Assistant at Carlow University. I am in charge of a floor of girls in the residence hall. I must enforce the rules, keep order, and be a resource of information to my girls. I have resource control over my floor. I have the ability to control their resources, their rewards, and their punishments. I can approve them to have an overnight guest or deny them that right. I have the ability to punish them by writing them up if that are not following the rules. And I have the ability to reward them with fun floor parties every month or so. I have a resource power currency over my floor. On the other hand, a currency someone has over me is that of Expertise. The expertise currency is identified by special skills or knowledge in a particular area. The person with expertise currency I am referring to is the Verizon employee who helped me when I got a new phone. A few months ago, I bought an iPhone. I was so happy and could not wait to play with it! (Because that’s what phones are for, right?) I had had my phone for about a half of an hour. We left the Verizon store and my phone would not turn on. I tried to restart it and nothing happened. I tried to plug it in, thinking it was dead, and nothing happened. I was panicked! They gave me a faulty phone. I immediately went back to Verizon and asked for a new phone. One of the workers assisted me. He took my phone, held in two buttons at the same time, and my phone turned on. He said that every once in a while, that happens, but not to worry because it is normal. His special talents for this phone and his skills and knowledge of knowing this product allow him to have Expertise Currency over me. Power currencies are something very intriguing and it is interesting to think about your power currencies that you could have in many situations.

Motivation in College

In Chapter 6 of Wilmot and Hocker’s text, Interpersonal Conflict, Functions of Conflict are discussed. One of these functions is that Emotions help people to adapt. There are six principles that Izard and Ackerman have formed that help people adapt from our emotions. The very first of the principles is that, “Motivation Depends on Emotions.” They say that, “Our behavioral goals depend on our feelings (pg. 200, (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011). I found this part of the text particularly interesting. When you think about this statement, that motivation depends on emotions, it’s actually stunningly true. I was thinking about any situation that I have ever been in. Or rather, a situation where I was deeply motivated to do something and this led me to my involvement in college. Now, in high school, I was partially involved. I was the treasurer of the Future Business Leaders of America, I worked on many homecoming floats for the homecoming parade, and I was even on the prom committee. But in reality, spread across four years, this isn’t much involvement. I remember making the decision that I was going to be more involved in college because I “needed it for my resume,” and because it “looks good” to be involved. But now, after reading Wilmot and Hocker on how emotions help us adapt, I can identify what really was the source of my motivation and what was my perceived source of my motivation. What I perceived was my source of motivation for getting involved in college was that I thought that being more involved would look good on a resume. However, my real source of motivation was in fact my emotions. I felt motivated by my feelings of being uninvolved, not being a part of something, and sometime even loneliness and lack of belonging.  In college, I got involved in as many and as much as I possibly could. It even took a toll on my body because I was simply doing too much. From experiencing the emotion of being work out, tired, run-down and just generally spread too far thin, I was motivated to reduce my involvement. I was scared when I did this. I felt that I did not want to disappoint anyone. However, in the big picture, I was letting people down already by not giving my 100% to the ten different groups I was in. After that number was reduced to 4 groups, I was happier, I wasn’t tired all of the time, and I was still able to remain friends with the people in the groups I had reduced my participation in. I was motivated to take all of these actions because of my emotions. Wilmot and Hocker say that we don’t act without reason and the reason for our actions is rooted in our feelings (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011). This sounds so simple when you think about it this way! Every action that we take is because of something, someone and some emotion. For me, this has helped me take a much better look at my emotions in any given situation and find the real cause of my motivation.

Conflict Avoidance in Ireland

In September of 2011, I took the opportunity to study abroad in Ireland. I would be staying in Ireland for 4 months, (from September to December,) and I was looking forward to many things. I was looking forward to the food, the culture, the traveling and most of all-the new friends that I would make. I was not going over completely alone though. Six other students from Carlow University in Pittsburgh would accompany me on the journey. I knew the other girls, but were not friends with any of them. Still, it was reassuring knowing that I had six other people from generally the same area thousands of miles away from home with me. Fast forward two weeks and I found myself becoming close with two Carlow University students. We will call them "Katie" and "Saundra". I did everything with Katie and Saundra. We walked the few miles to school every day, we shopped together, and we even started eating all of our meals together. It seemed that these girls were becoming very close to me. I felt as though they were becoming my family away from my actual family, and I became the same for the girls. (It is important to mention that both Katie and Saundra had boyfriends that were back in America while we were abroad.) We shared stories, laughs, tears and every day moments with one another. As our time progressed, we started taking trips together. We all three got along great and had some wonderful experiences. So you may be asking, where's the conflict? The conflict can be found by taking a look at Saundra and her long-distance boyfriend "Alan." Saundra and Alan had only been dating for a few months when Saundra left for Ireland. They talked about the difficulties of maintaining a long distance relationship, but concluded that their feelings for one another were strong enough and they could make the relationship work. In Ireland, Saundra and Alan talked as much as they possibly could. It seemed as though they both were very much in love. However, after about a month, Saundra would come out of talking on the phone or Skyping with Alan and she would be in tears. Sometimes, Katie and I would hear her from the bedroom screaming at Alan and we could even sometimes hear him screaming at her. We knew something was wrong, but whenever we asked Saundra about it, she always said that they were fine. As time went on, Saundra began crying more regularly and multiple times a day. When Katie and I asked her what was wrong, she would always reply, "NOTHING." Now, when you are sitting in front of two very close friends and you are crying hysterically, and you tell them that nothing is wrong, chances are that they will not believe you. Saundra's crying put a damper on everyone. She was always sad, usually always crying, and made any situation awkward because of her mood. When approached by me alone, she would open up more and say, "Alan is being a jerk,” but nothing more. Katie and I got to the point where we asked Saundra almost 7 times a day, "What's wrong?" or "Why are you crying?" She still replied with, "Nothing." Saundra was avoiding her conflict with Alan. As a side effect, she was also avoiding opening up about her conflict to Katie and I. Katie and I sensed these issues and Saundra. We saw that she was not opening up to us about it and this in turn caused conflict between Katie and I and Saundra. In the eighth edition of Interpersonal Conflict, Wilmot and Hocker state that one disadvantage of conflict is that it tends to demonstrate to other people that one does not care enough to confront them and gives the impression that one cannot change (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011). Katie and I felt that Saundra didn't care enough about our opinions or didn't care enough about our friendships to open up to us about her own conflict. We perceived that she was avoiding the conflict with us. Because of this, there was a barrier put in place by the conflict avoidance. By Saundra's direct denial that anything was wrong, it pushed Katie and me away, but not the conflict. Saundra's conflict with Katie and me as well as with Alan started affecting her in more than one way. She began experiencing health problems and was sick all the time it seemed. This observation is in parallel with that of Wilmot and Hocker in Interpersonal Conflict. On page 152, they say that avoidance in conflict has the ability to circle back and affect the avoider. Another thing that was clearly present that the conflict simmered and heated up unnecessarily and there was no avenue provided for reducing it. Because of all of the conflict avoidance, Saundra became distance from Katie and I. We were still friends, but there were issues with trust and honesty that were not being met. Fast forward back to America and Katie and I are still great friends! However, Saundra had a rough time coming home. She had a terrible break up with her boyfriend. The entire time she was in Ireland, he was cheating on her with her best friend from home. She lost her best friend and her boyfriend. She needed someone to be there for her. Katie and I, of course, were there for her. However, we were withdrawn on our part. We still felt that she was avoiding the conflict that arose in Ireland and was looking past it because she needed friends. We helped Saundra through her issues. We don't talk to her very much, but on occasion we run into her on campus. It's nice to see her not crying. This situation could have been very different if the conflict was not avoided. In Ireland, as stated, we tried to bring the conflict up, but the only thing Saundra did was avoid it. Conflict avoidance can severely hurt a relationship, no matter how long or short the relationship is. I am happy that I was able to see these issues after the situation unfolded.

Fashionable Clothing and Conflict

In conflict, people that are involved have different goals that they would like to achieve. People in conflict usually pursue four different type of goals. These goals include Topic Goals, Relationship Goals, Identity Goals, and Process Goals. In a particular movie called, "The Devil Wears Prada," one particular scene demonstrates that the parties involved want very different things. The goals they are trying to achieve are topic goals, however, their goals are very different. In this clip, we see a brand new intern at a top fashion magazine, Andrea, as she and her new boss, Miranda, have a conflict over fashion.
View Clip Here:Miranda and the Cerulean Sweater
Miranda wants to keep her magazine at the top of the totem pole. She works very hard and very diligently to ensure that she has the best content in her magazine and that she is up to date on the world of fashion. She is smart and driven. Andrea, on the other hand, needed a job. Her goal in this situation is to work for Miranda to gain experience in the magazine industry. Andrea has no care or desire for fashion. The two women have very different topic goals as they want very different things. Their interaction results in the following conflict: Andrea believes that fashion and clothes is just, "stuff." This comment makes Miranda very angry. Miranda then defends her argument, that fashion is beyond "stuff" with facts from the fashion industry. The two women have different topic goals. In the end, however, Andrea sees that Miranda was correct in her statements about fashion being more than just stuff.

Escalatory Spirals And "The Big Bang Theory"

Escalatory Spirals is a particular kind of destructive conflict that requires interaction.  Defined by Wilmot and Hocker in Interpersonal Conflict, an escalatory spiral is a "relationship that circles around two or more damaging ends; the interaction becomes self-perpetuating." The example in the book shows two roommates involved in conflict. The conflict begins with a misunderstanding. As the conflict continues, thoughts and actions are occur as they would in an actual conflict. Beginning as good friends and ending with the destruction of the friendship, the escalatory spiral shows how conflict gets escalated by something small and leads to something very large. In the hit show, "The Big Bang Theory," Sheldon and Leonard and roommates, much similar to Brad and Steve in the example in the book. However, in the clip, Leonard is mad at Sheldon for reading a letter regarding an important conference of his and then throwing it away, deeming it meaningless. Leonard questions Sheldon as to why he threw his letter away. Sheldon retorts to Leonard with an insult. The situation escalates to find Sheldon throwing one last insult to Leonard and then walking away, leaving Leonard very angry and the conflict unresolved. The situation does involve direct conflict, however, it also involves, "hitting below the belt" tactics; damaging the other person where it hurts them the most. Although this conflict is not completely destructive to their friendship, it does put a notch in their belts, so to speak. As roommates, Sheldon and Leonard are friends however, over the course of the show, the two have been involved in many conflicts. Some of these conflicts are more serious than the others. Although the series is not over, I would hope that in the end of their conflicting relationship, they can remain friends rather than having their friendship destructed.
Video Clip: Sheldon And Leonard-Escalatory Spiral

Conflict is a Zoo!

When it comes to the subject of conflict, many human beings find it very difficult to deal with. In order to help deal with conflict or make sense of it, we often try to relate the conflict(s) we are involved in to something that we are familiar with. According to the text, Interpersonal Conflict by Wilmot and Hocker, we do this by using metaphors to create a "vivid, shorthand description of a complicated process." Something I found particularly interesting was the metaphor that related conflict to animal behavior. Depending on the conflict, some humans will associate the conflict they are involved in to something that animals would do in their habitats, and would not actually do as humans. Particularly, when referring conflict to a zoo, one would interpret the conflict to be filled with wild animals acting as if they were fighting for survival. When one thinks of a zoo, such things as wild animals, natural habitats or even feeding time. In relation to conflict, wild animals can refer to the people who are involved in conflict. They could be irrationally acting or speaking, thus making them "wild." Feeding time in relation to conflict could refer to one person involved in the conflict jumping down another persons throat attacking them with assaults rather than constructively talking about the conflict at hand. One particular example that came to mind when I read about the animal like metaphor was the movie "Mean Girls." I found a clip the demonstrates the animal like conflict previously discussed. In this clip, the main character, Kady Herron likes a boy named Aaron. Aaron is dating Kady's friend, Regina. Regina knows that Kady likes Aaron. Regina does not really like Aaron, but is merely using Aaron as a tool to hold power over Kady. If Kady were to date Aaron, Regina would no longer be the most popular girl in school. Kady does not care about popularity, (at least not at this point in the movie,) and sincerely like Aaron. The conflict arises because Regina cannot lose her position as the most popular girl in school, but Kady just wants to date Aaron. The two girls have different goals that they want to achieve. And they are facing interference from others in trying to achieve their goals.In the video clip, Kady approaches the lunch table where Regina and Aaron sit. In order to get a rise out of Katy, Regina hits on Aaron simply to make her jealous. Katy then imagines how this situation would be handled if they were in the animal world, (Kady grew up in the wilderness.) Watch video clip here: Mean Girls-Zoo
After watching the clip, it is clear that the two girls have very different goals. However, after daydreaming about attacking Regina, Katy comes back to reality and succumbs to the bullying of Regina by agreeing with a statement that she makes. Regina holds power over Katy. Katy has the goal of dating Aaron; Regina has the goal of being the most popular girl in school. Because these goals are different, the conflict arises and causes the girls to treat the conflict by behaving like animals.