In September of 2011, I took the opportunity to study abroad in Ireland. I would be staying in Ireland for 4 months, (from September to December,) and I was looking forward to many things. I was looking forward to the food, the culture, the traveling and most of all-the new friends that I would make. I was not going over completely alone though. Six other students from Carlow University in Pittsburgh would accompany me on the journey. I knew the other girls, but were not friends with any of them. Still, it was reassuring knowing that I had six other people from generally the same area thousands of miles away from home with me. Fast forward two weeks and I found myself becoming close with two Carlow University students. We will call them "Katie" and "Saundra". I did everything with Katie and Saundra. We walked the few miles to school every day, we shopped together, and we even started eating all of our meals together. It seemed that these girls were becoming very close to me. I felt as though they were becoming my family away from my actual family, and I became the same for the girls. (It is important to mention that both Katie and Saundra had boyfriends that were back in America while we were abroad.) We shared stories, laughs, tears and every day moments with one another. As our time progressed, we started taking trips together. We all three got along great and had some wonderful experiences. So you may be asking, where's the conflict? The conflict can be found by taking a look at Saundra and her long-distance boyfriend "Alan." Saundra and Alan had only been dating for a few months when Saundra left for Ireland. They talked about the difficulties of maintaining a long distance relationship, but concluded that their feelings for one another were strong enough and they could make the relationship work. In Ireland, Saundra and Alan talked as much as they possibly could. It seemed as though they both were very much in love. However, after about a month, Saundra would come out of talking on the phone or Skyping with Alan and she would be in tears. Sometimes, Katie and I would hear her from the bedroom screaming at Alan and we could even sometimes hear him screaming at her. We knew something was wrong, but whenever we asked Saundra about it, she always said that they were fine. As time went on, Saundra began crying more regularly and multiple times a day. When Katie and I asked her what was wrong, she would always reply, "NOTHING." Now, when you are sitting in front of two very close friends and you are crying hysterically, and you tell them that nothing is wrong, chances are that they will not believe you. Saundra's crying put a damper on everyone. She was always sad, usually always crying, and made any situation awkward because of her mood. When approached by me alone, she would open up more and say, "Alan is being a jerk,” but nothing more. Katie and I got to the point where we asked Saundra almost 7 times a day, "What's wrong?" or "Why are you crying?" She still replied with, "Nothing." Saundra was avoiding her conflict with Alan. As a side effect, she was also avoiding opening up about her conflict to Katie and I. Katie and I sensed these issues and Saundra. We saw that she was not opening up to us about it and this in turn caused conflict between Katie and I and Saundra. In the eighth edition of Interpersonal Conflict, Wilmot and Hocker state that one disadvantage of conflict is that it tends to demonstrate to other people that one does not care enough to confront them and gives the impression that one cannot change (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011). Katie and I felt that Saundra didn't care enough about our opinions or didn't care enough about our friendships to open up to us about her own conflict. We perceived that she was avoiding the conflict with us. Because of this, there was a barrier put in place by the conflict avoidance. By Saundra's direct denial that anything was wrong, it pushed Katie and me away, but not the conflict. Saundra's conflict with Katie and me as well as with Alan started affecting her in more than one way. She began experiencing health problems and was sick all the time it seemed. This observation is in parallel with that of Wilmot and Hocker in Interpersonal Conflict. On page 152, they say that avoidance in conflict has the ability to circle back and affect the avoider. Another thing that was clearly present that the conflict simmered and heated up unnecessarily and there was no avenue provided for reducing it. Because of all of the conflict avoidance, Saundra became distance from Katie and I. We were still friends, but there were issues with trust and honesty that were not being met. Fast forward back to America and Katie and I are still great friends! However, Saundra had a rough time coming home. She had a terrible break up with her boyfriend. The entire time she was in Ireland, he was cheating on her with her best friend from home. She lost her best friend and her boyfriend. She needed someone to be there for her. Katie and I, of course, were there for her. However, we were withdrawn on our part. We still felt that she was avoiding the conflict that arose in Ireland and was looking past it because she needed friends. We helped Saundra through her issues. We don't talk to her very much, but on occasion we run into her on campus. It's nice to see her not crying. This situation could have been very different if the conflict was not avoided. In Ireland, as stated, we tried to bring the conflict up, but the only thing Saundra did was avoid it. Conflict avoidance can severely hurt a relationship, no matter how long or short the relationship is. I am happy that I was able to see these issues after the situation unfolded.
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