Rules, Micro Level Mapping and Microevents!

In order to better understand conflict, in their text on Interpersonal Conflict, Wilmot and Hocker suggest mapping out your conflicts. By mapping out your conflicts, you are able to clearly see the interpersonal dynamics that are occurring and are able to make more productive choices when it comes to dealing with the conflicts. Wilmot and Hocker state that the mapping of conflict occurs on the macro level as well as the micro level. For the purpose of this blog, I would like to focus and discuss the mapping of conflict on the micro level.

When mapping conflict on the micro level, there are two key components to keep in mind: mapping interaction rules, and micro-events. These two elements can assist in looking at the big picture of the conflict and also the smaller details of the conflict. Unsatisfactory conflict often operates in a set of rules that limit “genuine” change. This set of rules is used to describe the underlying communication of the interaction. These rules guide the behavior of the participants of the conflict. An example of a rule is as follows: “When in situation X, Y must/must not occur.” I can personally relate this rule to conflict that I have experienced in my life.

Occasionally, I find myself in conflict with my sister. My sister and I are best friends; we know each other like the backs of our hands. I know what makes her angry and how to calm her down and vice-versa. When my sister and I are in conflict, it is usually about decisions that we don’t want to make or about a decision one of us made that the other did not agree with. Oddly enough, we usually get into conflict when we are driving together on the highway. Being in this situation, neither of us has the option of removing ourselves from the conflict. We must work it out in the car. Through the use of Wilmot and Hocker’s methods of micro-mapping, I have mapped our conflict like the above example using situation X and Y. When my sister and I are driving together and I say something that she does not agree with, she gets angry. I have learned to never say to her, calm down. Saying these words lights a fire and enrages her more than the conflict itself. Therefore: When my sister is angry, I do not say the words, “calm down.”  This rule is a prescription for my sister’s behavior. If I do not say ‘calm down,’ my sister will be less angry. This rule was never written down anywhere, but from our interactions, I know that saying this to her will escalate the conflict into something more severe than it has to be.

Another method of micro-mapping is microevents. Microevents are defined as repetitive loops of observable interpersonal behavior with a redundant outcome. Wilmot and Hocker state that microevents are similar to rules but microevents are description rather than prescriptive. Microevents predict the where, when and how conflict will erupt. The following is an example of how I mapped a microevent that occurred at a Resident Assistant meeting.

Every time an RA:

(voiced their opinion about an issue)

(tried to make a point)

 (indicated that they had something to say)

during an RA meeting, another specific RA would

(finish the person speaking sentence)

(talk over the person)

( change the subject)

 so the issues, points and opinions were never heard or addressed.

The conflict can be summarized as follows: When an RA wants their voice to be heard, another RA distracts the focus and the voice of the RA is never heard.  Because this conflict has been understood, I can now use these methods to predict when this is going to happen. After realizing this, I have been assertive at meetings in saying things such as, “Let her finish; only one person speak at a time, and you can speak after she is done.” The micro-level mapping of this microevent has allowed me to better understand the communication patterns that occur at RA meetings and change the communication within this system.

Third-Party Intervention

In some conflicts, the situations are so difficult that we often turn to others for help. This need for third-party intervention is something that I see very often in my role as a Resident Advisor for Carlow University. Of the many types of intervention, in my position, I use one more often than others. This would be the method of mediating. Wilmot and Hocker, in their book on Interpersonal Communication, state that mediation helps the parties involved in conflict negotiate to reach agreement. They also say that, “mediation is the art of changing people’s positions with the explicit aim of acceptance of a package put together by both sides, with the mediator as a listened, suggestion-giver, the formulator of final agreements to which both sides have contributed.” My role as mediator is to facilitate the parties to the dispute to reach an agreement themselves. As an RA, when residents in the residence halls are engaged in conflict, often times regarding differences in opinions, roommate issues, or such, it is necessary to conduct mediation. I have been trained in mediation and have successfully mediated many residents. During the mediation, the residents will come into the office. I begin the mediation with explain why we are here. After the floor is set, the residents have the opportunity to state their cases or their sides of the stories. Sometimes, the residents get into heated arguments. It is my job to calm them down and map out the situation to reach an agreement on the issue. In other situations, the residents will refuse to talk or even look at each other. In these situations, it is my job to get the conversation flowing in order to reach an agreement between parties. As the residents are actively negotiating, I take a step back and make sure they are being respectful of one another. I have the ability to step in if they get out of line or offer my advice/opinion if they ask a question. However, limitations to mediation exist. In some cases, the residents are so uncomfortable with one another that they refuse to speak to the other. And In other cases, mediating simply just does not work. Also, if the residents are not committed to resolving the conflict, the mediation will not work. This is often the case with roommate issues: a resident moves in with another, doesn’t like the other roommates style of living, and rather than working out small conflicts themselves, they choose to ignore the issues until they escalate and can no longer tolerate living with each other. At this point, all they want is a new roommate and are not committed to working on the relationship at hand. Overall, the use of mediation in my position as a Resident Advisor has been successful in teaching me about negotiation and allowing the residents to negotiate conflicts on their own.

Let’s Negotiate to Negotiate

For many, negation means something very managerial and labor involved. However, negotiation simply means to settle by discussion or mutual agreement. According to Wilmot and Hocker in their 8^th Edition of Interpersonal Conflict, negotiation provides a process of problem solving when the topic, content, or substantive issues rise in importance.

Negotiations occur many times every day in both public and private sectors and people of all ages negotiate. I have had a few distinct experiences in negotiating and would like to analyze them briefly. For starters, this summer I lived with my two best friends in an apartment in Oakland. There were three of us and two rooms. We had to negotiate to decide who was going to get their own room. However, whoever got their own room, had to pay more rent. After listing the stances that each one of us took, we negotiate that Kait would get her own room and Maddy and I would share a room. We negotiated this agreement because Maddy and I did not mind sharing a room and it was a benefit that we would be paying less rent. We engaged in this conflict rather than avoiding it. If we were to avoid it, someone would have just taken their own room and more conflict would have risen. None of the parties involved dominated the situation. Kait used persuasion to assure us that she was okay with paying more. She stated that her mom was paying her share of the rent. Maddy and I were persuaded to allow her the bigger room because she was not paying for it herself. And by using the collaboration approach, we were all happy with the results. Another negotiate situation that I was involved in happened in New York City. On Canal Street, the shopping district of New York, the street vendors will always try to make a deal with you. On this particular occasion, I was buying perfume from a street vendor. (Totally legal, right?) Because I frequently buy perfume, I know when I am getting a good deal or not. For the purchase of three designer perfumes, the vendor offered me one price. I did not accept this price and offered a lower one. He said a price higher than mine, but lower than his first offer. I was still getting a deal on the perfume; however, I wanted to see how low he would go. After about fifteen minutes of negotiating with him, walking away once, another five minutes of negotiating, I was able to purchase the three fragrances for the price of one. Again, neither one of us dominated the situation nor avoided it. We both used persuasion to seal the deal on the purchase. We both maintained our identities-mine as the buyer and his as the seller, and the relationship of buyer and seller was also maintained.  And although we approached the situation in a win/lose way, I strongly feel that I negotiated well. The vendor felt that he won by selling three perfumes, and felt that I lost by paying above my asking price. However, I felt that I won because I purchased three perfumes for the price of one, and that he lost because he had no idea how good of a deal he was giving me. Understanding the styles and tactics of negotiation allow one to better negotiate in many situations.

In addition to this situational example of negotiation, please watch the short videos below to see more examples of negotiation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2gM3RgiGZA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Jdk3riKKwo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfK5wI1xqE8&feature=fvwp&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=898OUCyBulM

DR. BALMERT WATCH THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qsa66AqXTo